True astrological Samhain is NOT on October 31st, but closer to November 4th when the Sun is equidistant between the solstice and equinox. I attribute my inability to come up with the perfect costume in time to join everyone else to this calendar inaccuracy. If people used an ephemeris instead of a calendar, things would make more sense. We would celebrate energy thresholds at the appropriate times. But we don't.
The last costume I remember from my childhood was the last one my mother made. Though most other kids, even then, were getting "store bought" costumes, Mum had a contempt for the idea that made me feel cheap for even wanting something shiny made of crummy polyester that would last long enough for me to get rained on while wearing it.
I was about 8 and we were living at the end of the dirt road that I still live on, but at that time we were the only people out here, camping out in my Grandmother's summer cottage. I loved the magic of the place, and the sense of safety I felt. Mum's unhappiness and desperation was always so near the surface, and I think it was worse during that time, but it was a white noise we were all used to tuning out, and living in the woods where the light was so pure, and the stars so numerous, there were benefits we couldn't have come up with on our own.
That year, Mum decided to get creative and make a costume for me calling it the Spirit of Autumn. It consisted of leaves that she cut out carefully matching the type of leaf to the color of fabric, and being a self taught botanist, made herself crazy getting it right. I was a lot less excited about it by the time it was done because so much pain was in each leaf, but it was charming. she sewed each leaf on to a leotard, and made a bit of headgear to go with it, I could have looked like a brush pile, but I had the sense of looking Shakespearean and was very proud of it, convinced I'd win the contest at school. What I didn't know at the time was that there was no chance because the same 2 girls always won, their parents were too big a deal for them to lose. Sure enough, the one dressed as a Disney Princess won, and mum was annoyed about having put so much time and energy into the costume that it went into the trash soon afterwards.
It must have been painful and hard to be a divorced woman in a small town in NH in 1957, it must have been hard to have a couple of big secrets, and a big history to uphold in the face of it.
At the coming of Samhain, when the veil thins and perhaps I can talk to her more clearly, I want her to know that it took me a long time, but I understand now about the split between what one thinks of oneself in an essential and private way, and the action of karma in the social world.
I know what it is like to live behind a wall of ice made of the finest clear water so that you can see through but nobody can hear you. I wish she could have known that she wasn't alone.
The last costume I remember from my childhood was the last one my mother made. Though most other kids, even then, were getting "store bought" costumes, Mum had a contempt for the idea that made me feel cheap for even wanting something shiny made of crummy polyester that would last long enough for me to get rained on while wearing it.
I was about 8 and we were living at the end of the dirt road that I still live on, but at that time we were the only people out here, camping out in my Grandmother's summer cottage. I loved the magic of the place, and the sense of safety I felt. Mum's unhappiness and desperation was always so near the surface, and I think it was worse during that time, but it was a white noise we were all used to tuning out, and living in the woods where the light was so pure, and the stars so numerous, there were benefits we couldn't have come up with on our own.
That year, Mum decided to get creative and make a costume for me calling it the Spirit of Autumn. It consisted of leaves that she cut out carefully matching the type of leaf to the color of fabric, and being a self taught botanist, made herself crazy getting it right. I was a lot less excited about it by the time it was done because so much pain was in each leaf, but it was charming. she sewed each leaf on to a leotard, and made a bit of headgear to go with it, I could have looked like a brush pile, but I had the sense of looking Shakespearean and was very proud of it, convinced I'd win the contest at school. What I didn't know at the time was that there was no chance because the same 2 girls always won, their parents were too big a deal for them to lose. Sure enough, the one dressed as a Disney Princess won, and mum was annoyed about having put so much time and energy into the costume that it went into the trash soon afterwards.
It must have been painful and hard to be a divorced woman in a small town in NH in 1957, it must have been hard to have a couple of big secrets, and a big history to uphold in the face of it.
At the coming of Samhain, when the veil thins and perhaps I can talk to her more clearly, I want her to know that it took me a long time, but I understand now about the split between what one thinks of oneself in an essential and private way, and the action of karma in the social world.
I know what it is like to live behind a wall of ice made of the finest clear water so that you can see through but nobody can hear you. I wish she could have known that she wasn't alone.
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